THE 50(ISH) GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME

Unknown Pleasures (Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Get A Proper Haircut)

Album #40 : Joy Division — Unknown Pleasures

As a man, getting a haircut is, by and large, a nightmare. They are crushingly awkward encounters, steeped with the risk of having to walk around for the next month (or more, because you never go when you’re supposed to) with an awful barnet. I know very few people who actually enjoy the experience. I have friends who would genuinely rather face the guillotine than the barber’s chair. (“Yeah, just take the lot off mate.”) I’m yet to be convinced that Sweeney Todd’s first victim wasn’t borne out of pure awkwardness.

Or maybe his customer dared to challenge him. Has anyone ever actually told the barber their not happy with their hair cut when they do that little mirror- in-the-mirror-showing-you-the-back thing? I don’t think so. I once asked a barber to take “a little more off the top” and it was the most thrilling experience of my life. I came out feeling like I’d robbed a bank! You got away with that one James, but never again.

“How’s that for you mate?”

In my experience, barbers fall into two camps (yes, you’re right, that is a huge generalisation, wait till you see the next one). Those camps are…

One, the foreign barber. (Told you it was a big generalisation). Usually Turkish or Iranian (wow they’re getting bigger… ) — these are the far more technically skilled category, and usually take immense pride in their own physical appearance which is a plus for them and a good advert for their skills (although, thinking about it, who cuts a barber’s hair?). This may feel like a sweeping statement, but I have genuinely only ever met one non-British born barber who wasn’t Turkish or Iranian — he was a Manchester United supporting Cypriot living in Glasgow and an absolute legend. Terrible barber though. The issue with this category is there is a language barrier and as such it is an absolute lottery what kind of hair cut you get. You can ask for whatever you want, you may or may not get it.

One has to wonder why you would leave here to cut hair in Glasgow… (Photo by Dylan Sosso on Unsplash)

Then, there is the second category. This is the British barber for whom cutting hair seems like a major inconvenience that gets in the way of what he really wants to do for a living; be a life coach. And by “be a life coach” I mean ‘belittle any career choice that isn’t manual labour or tradesman of some kind.’ Astro-physics? What’re you learning that for? Plenty of jobs here on Earth. Honestly, this generation.

There were two barbers in my home town growing up — the first one (the ‘good’ barber, although everything’s relative) fell into the life coach category. The second fell into the much rarer but still just as unsettling category of… how can I put this… thief. Or at least, re-seller of goods that had fallen off lorries. When he wasn’t coughing in your face, he was selling you a chipped Playstation for ‘an absolute bargain price, mate.’

It was a bargain, to be fair (Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash)

So, as you can probably tell from my previous experience — I am prone to delaying my trips to the barber. However, regular readers will know I have a wedding coming up, so time to bite the bullet and treat myself to a proper haircut.

But one final complaint, first. Another reason for my reluctance previously was cost; it’s just a haircut, right? I can get one for a tenner down the road, why does this fancy place cost three times as much? Well, because I’m an idiot, that’s why. My haircut was a genuinely enjoyable experience. I had proper chat with the guy, he actually listened to how I wanted my hair cut and then proceeded to actually cut it that way (which, now I’ve typed it out doesn’t seem that remarkable, but it is!) He washed my hair and everything — which was quite an… intimate experience, the week before a wedding.

I didn’t even mind when he put wax in my hair at the end without asking…

So, what is the link to this album you ask?! For god’s sake James — stop talking about your weird anxieties and talk about Joy Division! Well, no real link to be honest. The album was fine, I guess. Not really my thing, I have to say. I always thought people only really claimed to like Joy Division to look cool. Little do they know, they just need to get a proper haircut. Probably.

Thanks for reading — over the course of 2021, I’ll be reviewing 50(ish) of the greatest albums ever recorded. You can see the list here:

The 50(ish) Greatest Albums of All Time…

There is also a playlist featuring the best song from each album here.