Attachment Issues
During the lockdown I have stopped shaving. The more comprehensive readers amongst you will notice that does not say; I have grown a beard. That is not what has happened. I have simply stopped shaving. The “beard” (we’ll call it a beard for brevity’s sake) is more of a goatee and moustache, with a pair of neck-based mutton chops. Negotiations are so tense that all parties so far refuse to meet each other. The goatee element is especially stubborn. It is not voluntary — that is simply how it has, or hasn’t, grown.
Given that description, it may surprise you to learn that the beard has divided opinion. Some people quite like it (my fiancée, mercifully, being one of them), whilst others actively and vocally dislike it (my brother, for example, started a family zoom call recently with the phrase “what the f*ck is that on your face? It is horrifically bad”). For me, however, the fact that it can be witnessed on a video call at all is an absolute win.
In case it wasn’t already obvious, this is all new territory for me. I am renowned amongst my group of friends for my inability to grow facial hair — I have in the past been accused of having “Neck-Down Alopecia.” What makes this more surprising is that my head hair is unbelievably thick. Over the years it has been described by various people as; wiry, bushy, hedge-like and ‘pube-y’. (I’m starting to think I don’t have very nice friends).
I mention I’m a first-timer for two reasons: one, I get the impression that all beards are met with some resentment at first and it isn’t until they are fully grown that they are accepted (or maybe Stockholm Syndrome kicks in and we fall in love with each other’s beards) and two, I can finally understand why people commit to beards. I find myself routinely checking the progress of it in the mirror (incremental, at best) and stroking it to make myself feel wise (again, incremental).
That said, unless there is an exponential uplift in the speed of growth, I don’t think the beard will survive the lockdown. I may look it, but I have not gone mad. The issue for me is that the awkward intervening half-grown period that for most men seems to last a few days has so far lasted a month (with no sign of a break through). And so, the beard must go. I know I can’t really re-emerge into the world with a lockdown-beard but that will be a sad day. For now at least, I have grown quite attached to it.
